hard to explain

There's something that's starting to bother me a little, and it's hard to explain it without sounding like a whiny rebellious kid, and part of me wants to just not say anything just for that reason. I'm really agreeable towards probably at least 90% of things that people suggest to me or ask of me, and I like being amicable like that, it means that I can be happy with whatever comes up and deal with things without arguments. But at the same time, maybe sometimes it means that I'm getting pushed around or taken advantage of, or just not taking the opportunity to express my own wishes, you know? And I'm starting to wonder if maybe people won't respect me if I just keep going around and agree with everything.

And that's only part of it really. I sort of feel like I don't have any say over things any more, like with my time, my money. My time is whatever I have left around my work schedule, and I know I'm just complaining because I'm still getting used to that again. But I realized that I'm going to miss out on things, when maybe I've taken for granted over the past several months that I can always go along with whatever plans are made, but now I'll probably be working when things come up, like family parties, nights out, or going to the in-laws for tea on a Sunday. Any day I'm working, work's going to take up the bulk of my time for that day, and my days off are likely to be more on random weekdays than on weekends when plans are more likely to be happening. I guess maybe I didn't care in past years when I still lived in the States and didn't have many plans anyway to have to work out with my work schedule, but it's different now that I'm living here and have to balance work with spending time with Adam and our family and friends. It might've been easier if I had a "typical" Monday-Friday job with evenings and weekends off, but that's not something that's in the cards for me.


And then there's money. Money isn't even a big deal for me, except to have the things we need and maybe occasionally a little spending money here and there. I'm not a big spender, and wouldn't be even if I could afford to be. If there's something I want, I save for it. And when it comes to clothes or other things I may need now and then, I stick to bargain shopping. Really, I don't need a lot of money to be happy in my life, but it would still be nice if my paycheck wasn't spent before I even had it. I know things come up, and if it's something important, what can you do? Adam's had to carry the whole financial burden for us while I haven't been able to work, and he's had to give up a lot of things he's wanted too, even things like a night out at the pub with his mates, which wouldn't have required much money. That's why I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining. I guess I just wish that I felt like I had more say in things, not even just about money, just about things in general I guess. Part of me is starting to feel sort of insignificant, I guess, for lack of a better explanation. I'm starting to feel a bit like this is everyone else's world and I'm just living in it. Well, that's probably a bit of an exaggeration. I don't know... sometimes I just miss being able to do what I want, just every now and then. And again, I feel like a bratty immature kid saying that, and I guess that's why it's hard for me to put it out there, because part of me feels it's "wrong" or selfish to feel this way. There's that side of me that wants to make my voice heard, and then there's the other side that says I should shut up and not cause any hassle, or look like a whiny bratty immature kid. I don't know, maybe I just needed to write out what's in my head and then I'll feel better. I think I've just hit a grumpy moment, getting used to changes and all, and that happens to all of us sometimes, even those of us who are normally easygoing.